As I write this, I’m not sure what words are going to follow. All I know is my brain and heart can’t handle it anymore. Since Sunday I have seen eleven memes and pictures about how ADHD isn’t real and similar sayings. ELEVEN! The ones that stand out are about how “many years ago it was called daydreaming and now it’s called ADHD and treated with drugs”, “childhood is now a mental illness”, and, the one that gets under my skin the most is a picture of a young girl making a mean face and it says that before it was called behavioral disorders, it was called “being a little brat”. After seeing the last one of a belt saying how that’s the real cure for ADHD, I was quite livid for many reasons. Let me explain.
If you have seen these, posted these, or even laughed at these, please understand that my goal is nothing more than to help you understand just what happens to all of us who have been chosen to walk this path, either ourselves or as parents of little ones who are walking this path when we see these posted by our friends and loved ones. In plain English? It absolutely crushes us in every sense of the word. Let me explain a little more.
My daughter is diagnosed with ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Sensory Processing Disorder. When she was two, she got so mad because I took her shoes off that she picked one of them up and threw it at me. (She still does this sometimes by the way.) when she was three, you couldn’t get her to finish her sentence half the time without jumping to something else. When she was almost five she started talking about how she didn’t like being so different from other kids. When she was just barely five, that was the first time she talked about not wanting to be here anymore and wanting to be in Heaven. We did the whole diet change and all the other things people suggest and, yes, we found a minor difference. But not enough. After talking her doctor and completing assessments, she finally received the diagnoses we always kind of knew were there. I will never forget that day. I’ve never felt such grief and relief at the same time before. Having ADHD myself, I knew exactly what she was about to go through in school and in life in general. My heart broke for her. Fast forward to now, three years later, after three months of weekly occupational therapy, psychologist appointments and med checks with her pediatrician every couple of months and she is doing so well most of the time. But it’s still a struggle. After all of this time, as a parent, I still question if what we are doing is the right thing. Even though I know how effective it is.
Sunday night, after such a great time it’s family at Easter, I started seeing these memes. Monday I saw a couple more. Yesterday I saw several more. Today, my cup runneth over with frustration. I know that most likely you have no intention of hurting anyone’s feelings when you post those things. At least I hope not. But somewhere, in your list of hundreds of friends who are seeing you post that, there is a silent group of people reading it through tears. You probably don’t even know the struggle they are facing because they don’t talk about it. Why don’t they talk about it? Because of these memes. They make us feel isolated and judged. One more person would just think we are crazy and recommend a diet change or just get a good probiotic and that will cure it. And when it doesn’t work, we feel completely inept and that we aren’t good enough at this parenting thing because everyone else has the answer and it’s working for their kid while ours are still having meltdowns and banging their heads against the walls or throwing their things at our heads. Clearly we are doing something wrong. Clearly we aren’t good enough right? Maybe if this other parent had our kids they would be better off because clearly I’m not doing it right. We were thinking about seeking professional help and medications but since you suggested that those medications lead to addiction in the future (insert biggest eye roll emoji ever here), now we are questioning that too. These are just a few of the thoughts that flood our heads in that first two seconds that we see these. I used to be that Mom who felt about as big as a baby ant anytime I saw one of these. Now I get angry because somewhere there are several moms and dads who are seeing it and just starting down this awful, emotional, long, exhausting journey to finding the right help for their kid, and now they are questioning themselves again. Not just as parents, but as a person. Because who would even think about giving their kid something that would cause them to be addicted to drugs and alcohol later? You are unknowingly making someone’s life even more difficult. You are helping to silence a group of people that desperately need to be heard, loved, and accepted.
Listen, I know you aren’t educated on ADHD. I know you haven’t done the research and looked at all the scientific data that’s out there on the connection between dopamine and ADHD. If you had you would know that a trademark of ADHD is low levels of dopamine. And yes, ADHD, kids are more likely to end up using drugs or alcohol especially in middle and high school. But why? It’s called self medication. When they can’t find the right medication that works for them they seek something that will work. Or when their friends start teasing them for taking medication or acting different, they start looking for ways to be accepted. ADHDers are chemically wired to seek dopamine.
If you had done some more research, you would also find that the suicide rate for children with ADHD is significantly higher than those without. In fact, more suicides in young people are being linked to ADHD more than depression. And let’s be clear, when I say young people, I mean children as young as five and six. ADHD children are nearly four times more likely to commit suicide. Let me help you understand why. Kids with ADHD are different. They are often times awkward, strange, and because they are so impulsive, they do some crazy stuff and don’t even realize they did it until it’s done. And sometimes not even then. All of this makes it hard to make friends in school. They are outcasts typically. They are bullied. They are left out of birthday parties and after school hang outs. Their self esteem is typically very low and sometimes nonexistent. They are lonely and punished a lot for their impulsive behaviors. They understand at a young age that they aren’t like the other kids. They see how they aren’t accepted and how they are made fun of. They hear the whispers and laughter in the locker rooms after gym class. Their thoughts are confirmed when the whispers and laughs stop when they walk in. And are greeted with stares and silence.
When I was diagnosed with ADHD around second or third grade, I was put on medication. It took a while to figure out which one worked, but when we found one, I was SO thankful. The first time I could sit still in a classroom was strangely wonderful. By this time most of the people I went to school with had made their friendship circles already and there wasn’t room for me. Seeing it now as a parent is even more gut wrenching than experiencing it first hand. I know what it feels like to feel that boulder of uncertainty weighing me down and bringing me to tears almost daily. So when I see those memes, the only thing I can think of is all of those people seeing that same meme and cowering in the corner again in a panic attack that is all to familiar, unable to talk to their friend and be vulnerable about something that weighs on their minds every minute of every day. What we see when we see those is one more person we can’t talk to. Someone we thought we were close to and that we could tell anything to is now off limits and we are isolated once again.
It’s your wall, your Facebook page, your life. I get it. But what if we all remembered that quote?
“Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.”
